Diary # 2: Pained

My mind is always on a roll. It's seems like a river that flows continuously that ends up to thoughts as wide as the ocean.

I am considering myself a bit unsteady now. I know what I want but I am too scared to admit it and too challenged to pursue it. I have been telling myself lies for the past two years. Pleading and asking myself to stay just a little more, gather more courage and prepare more. When the time comes that I am in the situation where I needed to face the plans that have been mapping up my mind for a long time, I wanted to be brave that even 0.1% of giving up is not entertained. And aha, it's been TWO dragging years and I'm not really sure if I achieved what I wanted to build. I can't admit nor it’s too hard for me to accept the fact that I'm still here sitting at my weekday seat, staring boldly at my computer screen with my usual blank mind.

I admit that I look up to someone greater than me easily and it makes me feel I want to be like him/her. This is my weakness. I always tell myself that it isn't right. Wanting to be in someone else's shoes when God is giving you chances every day to be who you want to be is selfish and yes, to put it simply, it's definitely wrong. I rant on why I have this mediocre life without realizing and accepting that it is my fault.

Pained. This may be the best word to describe me as of now. But this makes me feel guilty. My friend's family is going through a very hard time now and I envy the courage they emit. I don't know how they got it. I being in this situation that I can't even compare to what they're going through is feeling hopeless, how much courage they have to put that strong fight? Losing someone is more painful than being in a situation you can't control or rather you didn't want. It's hard to lose someone who’s a constant in your life. How can you handle that? Days ago he/she is still there talking to you, smiling back at your silly jokes and reciprocating the love you give then suddenly, in a flick of finger, she/he is gone and will never be back again.

I hate myself for being selfish and I hate it even more for thinking that I seem hopeless.

Maybe God is working on me right now. He's telling me that there are people who have greater, much greater, struggle and pain than what I have now. They are pained but they are still thankful for making it less hard for a family member. Thinking that's the best way God wanted to ease all the pain that they are going through.

All the things that happens around me lately made me realize that it's not too late. God have plans for me and I just need to push myself a little more and be more thankful.

God never forgets. If it seems that you only have your last finger hanging on a thin thread and ready to let go, He comes running to you and make you realize how bless you are.

Let go and Let God. :)