My
mind is always on a roll. It's seems like a river that
flows continuously that ends up to thoughts as wide as the ocean.
I
am considering myself a bit unsteady now. I know what I want but I am too
scared to admit it and too challenged to pursue it. I have been
telling myself lies for the past two years. Pleading and asking myself to stay just a little more, gather more courage and prepare more. When the time comes that I am in the situation where I needed to face the plans that have been mapping up my mind
for a long time, I wanted to be brave that even 0.1% of giving up is not entertained. And aha, it's been TWO dragging years and I'm not really
sure if I achieved what I wanted to build. I can't admit nor it’s too hard for
me to accept the fact that I'm still here sitting at my weekday seat, staring
boldly at my computer screen with my usual blank mind.
I
admit that I look up to someone greater than me easily and it makes me feel I
want to be like him/her. This is my weakness. I always tell myself that it isn't right. Wanting to be in someone else's shoes when God is giving you chances every day to be who you want to be is selfish and yes, to put it simply, it's definitely wrong. I rant on why I have this mediocre
life without realizing and accepting that it is my fault.
Pained.
This may be the best word to describe me as of now. But this makes me feel
guilty. My friend's family is going through a very hard time now and I envy the
courage they emit. I don't know how they got it. I being in this situation that
I can't even compare to what they're going through is feeling hopeless, how
much courage they have to put that strong fight? Losing someone is more
painful than being in a situation you can't control or rather you didn't want.
It's hard to lose someone who’s a constant in your life. How can you
handle that? Days ago he/she is still there talking to you, smiling back at
your silly jokes and reciprocating the love you give then suddenly, in a flick
of finger, she/he is gone and will never be back again.
I
hate myself for being selfish and I hate it even more for thinking that I seem
hopeless.
Maybe
God is working on me right now. He's telling me that there are people who have
greater, much greater, struggle and pain than what I have now. They are pained
but they are still thankful for making it less hard for a family member.
Thinking that's the best way God wanted to ease all the pain that they are
going through.
All
the things that happens around me lately made me realize that it's not too late. God
have plans for me and I just need to push myself a little more and be
more thankful.
God
never forgets. If it seems that you only have your last finger hanging on a thin
thread and ready to let go, He comes running to you and make you realize how
bless you are.
Let
go and Let God. :)
