Open Letter # 1: To Girls Who Fall Easily

It may sound strange but you are a girl who fall fast. You have that talent to see good in someone that makes you so interested in him. Can't blame you though, you have a kind heart. You are a believer of "To like someone is a choice but to love that someone is inevitable."

But girl, hold on please. How many more times you want your heart to break? Is it okay for you to be pained before meeting that someone who can return the favor of loving you, too? They like you, yes, but it's their choice and it just hurts that they can't love you because of the inevitable circumstances. Loving someone is not a choice, it just happens...

I don't believe in guarding your heart to love but I strongly believe in shielding your heart from impending pain. However, if it can't be missed, please endure it a little. Time will come that you will not be bothered by it anymore because you know how it feels. You know how to handle it. And most specially you know that it will pass, not too quick but faster than what you always expects it to be.

Live a happy life and love yourself first. That's the rule of loving, you can give it fully to someone because you've given it to yourself first.

Repost #1: ALMOST LOVER

To My Almost Lover,

Thank you for not taking me to the next level. Thank you for not letting me take risks. Thank you for refusing my feelings back. Thank you for saying no. Thank you for not losing a friend. Thank you for my emotions is still in a state of equilibrium, neither profound nor superficial. I would always be grateful for the little infinity we’ve had. I would always cherish every moment I had with you.

This isn’t a sentiment but a form of regard. Majority would’ve called this a heartbreak but mine was a lesson. I learned not to make hasty decisions. I learned to set my standards not to the sense of greater expectations. I learned to love myself a little more for you’ve brought me to my value. I learned to wait patiently for you taught me not to assume for something more. I learned that not all love stories have happy endings, that not all “almosts” reaches higher stages. I learned to draw the line. I would be always grateful for the wisdom you directly implied. I would be always grateful with you.

We could’ve been the future but it was a gratitude for not dragging us to be each other’s pasts. You staying in my present is more than enough. I’m happy with what we have right now. I guess this is how it really goes. You’re merely an approximation but however, there are things inevitable for some reasons. There are things badly needed our approval. That not all you want you’ll always get.

- A letter I wrote after you left

Words by PseudoSparks

The story of my so called "love" life perfectly put into words by someone whom I don't know but seems to have the same experience as mine. The first time I read this, it gave me chills. I don't know why but it summarizes my 3-yr with some 2-yr on-off confusion -slash- struggle with someone who've been so special to me.

For years until now, I didn't enter a relationship. Still afraid that I’ll have a not so good experience again. Though I tried. I met new people. I socialized. However, there's still that glitch in my system that I can't seem to fix no matter what I do. I'm too afraid to open up or even admit that I am interested and would want to get to know someone more. I just automatically shut down, continue being alone and absorb all the questions about me being single till now. On the other hand, I also feel afraid. I don’t want to grow old alone. I want to have someone whom I can share my stories, talk non-sense and vent my frustrations, anger & sadness with.

My first love is not a good story though. Contrary to the norms, I can’t tell it freely. It really makes me nervous every time first loves or even stories about love and relationship are brought up. I don't want it to be talked about nor have any answers to people's impending questions. I’ve been a bad person because of that love and I think this is one of the reasons I still feel guilty of being in love. That time, I let it all out without thinking that it may compromise the feelings of not just someone but someone so dear to me. Back then, I think that first loves should be like that. All these heartaches that I experienced and currently experiencing are what I believe the restitution of what I did before. I have my walls built because of these things. I’m afraid that I will cause pain to someone again when I totally let loose and be free to love and be loved. I'm still not sure how far I can go while being enclosed in the power of love and I’m pretty sure that I still don’t know how to handle and neutralize the extent of my feelings.

I admit that I am a person whose emotionally imbalance. I love making other people happy but it’s also very hard for me to show the other side of it. I hate being sad in front of other people because I don't want to discourage them. I am known for being a happy person. Having no specific person to turn to when the sadness creeps in, makes it hard sometimes. I tend to cry and sulk easily. I became sad for no reason. I just...feel it.

I admire people who are very open to what they feel. They can tell people upfront their insides and thoughts without thinking how it will turn out. As they say, at least they tried and that's what makes it memorable. I am a reserved and calculative person. It’s very hard for me to confess my feelings: it's either I'm shy or not too confident about it. I'm afraid to get hurt. I can't handle rejections too well.

I'm a talkative person with people I am closed to. Contrary, I find it "really" hard to initiate conversation to someone I am interested with. I feel nervous and...shy. I always feel reluctant. And most of the times when I stumble upon a guy whom I really feel is the one I’ve been waiting for, I refrain from approaching him or being friendly with him. All the possible faults and reasons that it will never work out are starting to chase me. Especially the thought that my feelings will never be reciprocated or when I have invested all my feelings, he will eventually leave without reason and I'll be that someone who suffers heartbreak alone. It's the situation that my heart can't handle anymore. It's better for me to let myself be hurt right from the start than experience the feeling of happiness but will fade eventually.

I always pray to God to help me unload all the burdens that I built up inside me. I feel strong now but I long to be stronger. I'm currently a person who always think that happy endings are rare. I've been through rejections and pain. Every time I meet someone, I always think that we will have bad endings and I, alone, will need to restart and be back on my feet again. But like everyone else who have not yet met their significant other, my ultimate prayer is to find him: someone who I can share all my worries and happiness with; someone who will understand me more than anyone else do but still love me anyway; someone who'll help me release all my excess baggage bit by bit; and someone who will make me realize that these weaknesses of mine can be my strength too.

I am so looking forward that someday I'll be walking down the streets with a man beside me, sharing each other our best smile yet, talking about pretty much everything and planning our future together. 

I’m a believer of destiny but my faith in God’s plan is greater. I know He has plans for me and I’m claiming it. God always provide. He always know the need of His children before we know it and that’s what I trust.

You must not find love, dare love to find you. After all, it always come when you least expect it.

Diary # 2: Pained

My mind is always on a roll. It's seems like a river that flows continuously that ends up to thoughts as wide as the ocean.

I am considering myself a bit unsteady now. I know what I want but I am too scared to admit it and too challenged to pursue it. I have been telling myself lies for the past two years. Pleading and asking myself to stay just a little more, gather more courage and prepare more. When the time comes that I am in the situation where I needed to face the plans that have been mapping up my mind for a long time, I wanted to be brave that even 0.1% of giving up is not entertained. And aha, it's been TWO dragging years and I'm not really sure if I achieved what I wanted to build. I can't admit nor it’s too hard for me to accept the fact that I'm still here sitting at my weekday seat, staring boldly at my computer screen with my usual blank mind.

I admit that I look up to someone greater than me easily and it makes me feel I want to be like him/her. This is my weakness. I always tell myself that it isn't right. Wanting to be in someone else's shoes when God is giving you chances every day to be who you want to be is selfish and yes, to put it simply, it's definitely wrong. I rant on why I have this mediocre life without realizing and accepting that it is my fault.

Pained. This may be the best word to describe me as of now. But this makes me feel guilty. My friend's family is going through a very hard time now and I envy the courage they emit. I don't know how they got it. I being in this situation that I can't even compare to what they're going through is feeling hopeless, how much courage they have to put that strong fight? Losing someone is more painful than being in a situation you can't control or rather you didn't want. It's hard to lose someone who’s a constant in your life. How can you handle that? Days ago he/she is still there talking to you, smiling back at your silly jokes and reciprocating the love you give then suddenly, in a flick of finger, she/he is gone and will never be back again.

I hate myself for being selfish and I hate it even more for thinking that I seem hopeless.

Maybe God is working on me right now. He's telling me that there are people who have greater, much greater, struggle and pain than what I have now. They are pained but they are still thankful for making it less hard for a family member. Thinking that's the best way God wanted to ease all the pain that they are going through.

All the things that happens around me lately made me realize that it's not too late. God have plans for me and I just need to push myself a little more and be more thankful.

God never forgets. If it seems that you only have your last finger hanging on a thin thread and ready to let go, He comes running to you and make you realize how bless you are.

Let go and Let God. :)

Diary #1: The Horror of Comfort Zones

I'm past my mid-20s and it scares me so much. I act like a kid sometimes most of the times, still feeling young and never thinking of getting out of that mentality. Haha! I know this isn't right. I need to grow up as what the other side of my brain always shouts back at me but ugh, I can't. I'm afraid of responsibility or just the mere fact that I am getting old. Every time I dozed off the reality, I'm always thinking of what have I done in my past 20+ yrs of life. Heck, that's a long time. Nothing grand comes up. I always think that I wasted those precious years. I am not sure. I can't track it. I am a self-confessed forgetful person, read: messy minded person. But one thing that makes me proud of is, I did travel, a LOT and that, I think, meets my equilibrium with regrets.

Comfort Zones. These two words bring me chills. I am always trap. Afraid of letting go and too scared to move. I am always stuck. This has always been my shadow. I have a love and hate relationship on what I do, afraid of changes and insist on holding on but makes me bored most of the time. I'm an introvert, I admit it, or maybe the most appropriate word is territorial. Most people thought that I am very much friendly. But nah, I always feel indifferent around new people especially new environment. This is the reason, I'm sure, of why I'm always stuck. Once I find and settle with a zone that brings me so much comfort, I find it hard, really hard, to let go.

I always wish to be in another job than what I have now but I can't (won't budge) leave my current work.
I wanted to try new hobby but 'till now I just enjoy it through write-ups, blog posts and other persons' stories.
Looking forward meeting new people but most of the time backs out last minute whenever someone asked me to join new company.
Wishing and seeking love but turns down every guy without considering that he might be the one.
Or simply waiting for that someone that caught my eye whose not at all interested in me.
Longing for adventures but still ends up sleeping, watching and bumming.

My life is full of irony and I blame it on me being comfortable on my current zone. The horror of my life. The places that kept me stuck. But I'm seriously trying and working on this. Step by step. Every day. Gaining courage. Planning. Making it my current life goal. I want need to be braver. Take risks. Go to the place where I want to go. And be whom I always wanted to be.

If maybe someone care to read this entry, I urge you to please be brave and confident. Live your life to the fullest. Take risks. Don't be afraid of committing mistakes, that's very human-like plus you'll learn, a lot! Act as the person you always wanted to be. Don't ever restrict or put boundaries on what you can do and where you can go. Life is full of challenges. That's a cliche. So live up to it. Face it head on and be happy no matter what the outcome is. After all, at the end of the day, you'll always be a winner.

I'm a daydreamer. So much that sometimes I dozed off completely and forgot that I still need to face reality. There's nothing wrong in daydreaming but it's better, best, to materialize what you always daydream. Don't let your dayDREAMS be always a fantasy, make it real. I bet that it'll be sweet.

Live life happily and full of smiles. You don't want to be a lousy grandma/grandpa that don't have interesting stories, right? :)