Repost #1: ALMOST LOVER

To My Almost Lover,

Thank you for not taking me to the next level. Thank you for not letting me take risks. Thank you for refusing my feelings back. Thank you for saying no. Thank you for not losing a friend. Thank you for my emotions is still in a state of equilibrium, neither profound nor superficial. I would always be grateful for the little infinity we’ve had. I would always cherish every moment I had with you.

This isn’t a sentiment but a form of regard. Majority would’ve called this a heartbreak but mine was a lesson. I learned not to make hasty decisions. I learned to set my standards not to the sense of greater expectations. I learned to love myself a little more for you’ve brought me to my value. I learned to wait patiently for you taught me not to assume for something more. I learned that not all love stories have happy endings, that not all “almosts” reaches higher stages. I learned to draw the line. I would be always grateful for the wisdom you directly implied. I would be always grateful with you.

We could’ve been the future but it was a gratitude for not dragging us to be each other’s pasts. You staying in my present is more than enough. I’m happy with what we have right now. I guess this is how it really goes. You’re merely an approximation but however, there are things inevitable for some reasons. There are things badly needed our approval. That not all you want you’ll always get.

- A letter I wrote after you left

Words by PseudoSparks

The story of my so called "love" life perfectly put into words by someone whom I don't know but seems to have the same experience as mine. The first time I read this, it gave me chills. I don't know why but it summarizes my 3-yr with some 2-yr on-off confusion -slash- struggle with someone who've been so special to me.

For years until now, I didn't enter a relationship. Still afraid that I’ll have a not so good experience again. Though I tried. I met new people. I socialized. However, there's still that glitch in my system that I can't seem to fix no matter what I do. I'm too afraid to open up or even admit that I am interested and would want to get to know someone more. I just automatically shut down, continue being alone and absorb all the questions about me being single till now. On the other hand, I also feel afraid. I don’t want to grow old alone. I want to have someone whom I can share my stories, talk non-sense and vent my frustrations, anger & sadness with.

My first love is not a good story though. Contrary to the norms, I can’t tell it freely. It really makes me nervous every time first loves or even stories about love and relationship are brought up. I don't want it to be talked about nor have any answers to people's impending questions. I’ve been a bad person because of that love and I think this is one of the reasons I still feel guilty of being in love. That time, I let it all out without thinking that it may compromise the feelings of not just someone but someone so dear to me. Back then, I think that first loves should be like that. All these heartaches that I experienced and currently experiencing are what I believe the restitution of what I did before. I have my walls built because of these things. I’m afraid that I will cause pain to someone again when I totally let loose and be free to love and be loved. I'm still not sure how far I can go while being enclosed in the power of love and I’m pretty sure that I still don’t know how to handle and neutralize the extent of my feelings.

I admit that I am a person whose emotionally imbalance. I love making other people happy but it’s also very hard for me to show the other side of it. I hate being sad in front of other people because I don't want to discourage them. I am known for being a happy person. Having no specific person to turn to when the sadness creeps in, makes it hard sometimes. I tend to cry and sulk easily. I became sad for no reason. I just...feel it.

I admire people who are very open to what they feel. They can tell people upfront their insides and thoughts without thinking how it will turn out. As they say, at least they tried and that's what makes it memorable. I am a reserved and calculative person. It’s very hard for me to confess my feelings: it's either I'm shy or not too confident about it. I'm afraid to get hurt. I can't handle rejections too well.

I'm a talkative person with people I am closed to. Contrary, I find it "really" hard to initiate conversation to someone I am interested with. I feel nervous and...shy. I always feel reluctant. And most of the times when I stumble upon a guy whom I really feel is the one I’ve been waiting for, I refrain from approaching him or being friendly with him. All the possible faults and reasons that it will never work out are starting to chase me. Especially the thought that my feelings will never be reciprocated or when I have invested all my feelings, he will eventually leave without reason and I'll be that someone who suffers heartbreak alone. It's the situation that my heart can't handle anymore. It's better for me to let myself be hurt right from the start than experience the feeling of happiness but will fade eventually.

I always pray to God to help me unload all the burdens that I built up inside me. I feel strong now but I long to be stronger. I'm currently a person who always think that happy endings are rare. I've been through rejections and pain. Every time I meet someone, I always think that we will have bad endings and I, alone, will need to restart and be back on my feet again. But like everyone else who have not yet met their significant other, my ultimate prayer is to find him: someone who I can share all my worries and happiness with; someone who will understand me more than anyone else do but still love me anyway; someone who'll help me release all my excess baggage bit by bit; and someone who will make me realize that these weaknesses of mine can be my strength too.

I am so looking forward that someday I'll be walking down the streets with a man beside me, sharing each other our best smile yet, talking about pretty much everything and planning our future together. 

I’m a believer of destiny but my faith in God’s plan is greater. I know He has plans for me and I’m claiming it. God always provide. He always know the need of His children before we know it and that’s what I trust.

You must not find love, dare love to find you. After all, it always come when you least expect it.